update much?

not really.
I don't know what to say right now. I have a lot more thoughts.

summer flings

I've had like 3 so far.
Most recent: the Georgian.
:)
I told you...Summer of Love '09 baby

the boy of my dreams.

Seriously. I met him. It's awesome. And I miss him a lot :(
I hate how he lives in Colorado.

Even though

he used to be my best friend, and my first true love, and the person I wanted to tell everything to, when I received his everything-but-cheerful Facebook message, I felt absolutely relieved. Okay, that's an overstatement. I felt pissed at first. But you know what? I'm happy. I'm happy we've just decided to not even communicate anymore. I mean obviously, he thinks I told his girlfriend. But that's not true. Guys (especially him) don't realize that girls are actually smart. Hear that? Girls are intelligent. We can put two and two together. We can tell when you are lying, we can tell when you are cheating, and we can definitely tell when you are being an asshole. Though, some of us are attracted to assholes, it takes a crap load of unnecessary drama to finally come to the revelation that we don't need you, we can deal with ourselves, and we don't deserve the bullshit you put us through for months or even years.
So this being said, I am blissful. Life couldn't be better. Well, if Madison were still my friend, it would definitely be better. But other than that, everything is good (*knock on wood0). I'm going to ITF next week with some of the coolest friends I have, and I'm going to join with hundreds of other students around the country that share my passion: theatre.
It's scary to think that I'm auditioning for colleges. Sometimes I still think that I'm ten years old just dreaming about going to college. But now it's almost here.....I mean hey, I still have one more year. But my senior year will probably go the fastest out of all my high school terms. Where has the time gone?
I know I've said this a million times, but this time I know that I mean it about 150%: I am over him. I love my life. And I can finally move on. He's a piece of crap of a boyfriend, and I can definitely do better.
♥summer '09 :)

expansion of thoughts

Let me start off by saying that out of all my friends, I probably respect Kevin's opinion the most. This is because of his maturity, experience, and his understanding of me and my complications.
So the minute when I told him the situation, and his response was "that's stupid. That's not your fault" I could breathe easy. Seriously, you don't understand the relief I felt when Kevin justified my thoughts and everyone else's.

Okay, I really need to work on my portfolio.
geez I can't believe I'm auditioning for colleges next week.
Scary stuff.

Jank

Let me give you a run-down of probably the jankiest weekend of my life.
It all started on Saturday night.....

I went to Claire's house prepared to spend the night and probably party it up. We ended up going to some sketch kid's house with all these other sketch kids. They all pretty much went to the Academy. We only went because she wanted to trip. It was a pool party. I then discovered that the host was a dealer and has dealt to a few people I know. So, I bought a gram. Then continued to smoke a bowl with my best friend and the dealer.
We then continued to Sexy's where Claire dropped me off so she could go to a grad party where Keegs was and I smoked from a chillum with Bams, Sex and G. And then sat around the porch with G and had a heart to heart while smoking a Black 'n Mild. Claire returned with Keegs and we smoked a hybrid bowl of three different types of weed. Then the girls had to depart and we stopped by the BK lounge cuz I had the munchies bad. And then went home to fall asleep. Where I then had a dream that Bams had two little indian brothers and the eldest, Ratash, died.
Weirdest fucking dream of my life.

Sunday was normal. I guess. I was a little out of it. But later that I night I went to see The Hangover with Adam. We held hands. And kissed. It was refreshing. I guess. Then we smoked a grape cigar in the parking lot of Ronnie's. Like I said, jankiest weekend of my life.

Yet is was still in my top ten weekends of all time.

♥Summer '09.
I want to expand on other things but I will do that later.

so...

I'm pretty sure everybody in France hates me right now.
Yet everyone in the states agrees with me.
This situation is confusing and stupid and I have nothing to do with it.
What am I going to do when Claire leaves?
Luckily, here is this week's time line:
Hill comes back on Sunday.
Claire leaves on Monday.
French kids come back on Thursday.
I leave early Friday morning.

So any fights I will have will either be through texting, or not until July. Hopefully, there won't be any. But there most likely will be. i hope I don't lose my best friend because I love her. This whole thing is stupid.

♥

Thank you.

Thanks for everything.

Lost a friend today.

So i got bored...

and
www.twitter.com/MarcyBarbeau


yeah.

so my best friend is pissed at me

and I feel like I should really care. And I feel like I should be sick to my stomach and apologizing profusely.
But for some reason, I'm not and I don't.
I just don't care anymore. Everything that happens is from actions. You brought it upon yourself. If karma comes back and bites me in the ass for it, then it's my fault. I accept that.
Right now I'm just focusing on being happy, my ACT on Saturday, and living my life.

I'm going to the movies with Adam B. sometime this week, and I'll probably hang out with Michael and them sometime too. I will hang out with Claire before she leaves for Germany, and I'm gonna go to parties too. I'm going to start doing what I want.
But I do need a job. Because I need some moolah.

Peace, Love, & Freedom. ♥Summer '09


love has the chances like a carnival goldfish.

Dear marcy,
That shit you got from tristan was the shit.
fuck im so high.
hahahah i wish other ppl were here
tristan is sleepy.
dude balckberyry
-Marcy

Girl's Night In

with a possible appearance by the Polo boys.

This is exactly what I need. Every since I found out about that betrayal, I have been stressing. I need a smoke, and I need to get tipsy. Bring it on.

Girl therapy here I come.


When you risk it all for love only to watch it fall to dust,
You can't help it to feel as if love has the chances like a carnival goldfish.
If you believe in love, it lives.

and of course

my happiness is overturned by the news of my best friend making out with my ex-boyfriend in Paris. Excellent. This is perfect. Every time I'm happy.....it always gets knocked down as fast as possible. What kind of bullshit is this?

message i was going to send him, but then decided to take the high road:
you are such a jackass.
you make out with my best friend and you don't even have an excuse like being drunk?!?!!?!
so now you've cheated on her three times.
i'm so pissed. i know i shouldn't be but come on.
that's my best friend.
and i know it was partly her fault. but what the fuck.
you better tell your girlfriend.

despite

the vomit on my carpet,
the decent mess I need to clean up,
the smell of beer in my house,
the smell of ass in my house
the left over alcohol that needs to be drunk tonight,
my lack of sleep, my lack of food,
and the crap load of beer cans formed in a pyramid on my table right now,

I could not be happier.

Almost passing out to the sweet voice of MGMT.
Chillin' to some Matisyahu.
An amazing time with friends.
Love summer '09 :)

i might be a little drunk right now.

summer of love

That's what I'm planning on for this summer. Maybe not the summer of romantic love, but the love of friendships, fine food, shopping, and just having fun. So far it's been a little mehhhh (i know, good adjective, right?), but hopefully Friday will make all the difference!

Yet again, I'm going to talk about how disappointed I am with myself and my lack of concert attending. Missed the Yeah Yeah Yeahs last night. Ugh what has gotten into me. Maybe it's because I don't have the moolah to get tickets. But oh well.

Party my house on Friday. You are invited [ahem, Kevin, since you are the only one that reads this hah].

eyes are blind. you have to look with the heart

Ah. How I love summer. Today was boring, but all the same, it was nice to know I don't have any papers or homework or studying to do right now.
Though this bliss will end eventually. I have to work on my portfolio for my college auditions in a couple of weeks, and I should probably start thinking about my extended essay topic for IB. I need to go to WashU's library eventually with everyone else to research. But that doesn't start until like July, so that's good.
I'm upset that I missed The Decemberists concert last night. I totally forgot. At least I hadn't already bought the ticket. But I heard they were spectacular and I'm quite crestfallen about it all.

I'm having a party Friday night. And probably Saturday night too. It should be fun. :)
I need to convince my mother to let Riz take me to Carlyle this weekend so I can finally sail. Hooray!
I will miss all my friends going to France. I hope they will be safe :) I envy them. And it makes me miss Europe so much. I want to go back to Spain and go to a Flamenco show, or walk around the square. I want to go back to Morrocco and stare at the beautiful sea.
I miss Kenya so much. I miss all of my friends there, and all of the people. I miss the shopping there.

Sometimes I wish I could just get enough money so I could be one of those people who just live in Greece or Italy or London and have a flat there, and work in those areas. Europe is amazing because you can travel all around it because it is so small. That would be prime. It would be prime to work for a theatre in London or even Vienna. I know I will study abroad definitely, but the idea of living there indefinitely is intoxicating.

I am re-reading books. Like the Twilight series and the Harry Potter series. Sometimes it is tedious but that is okay. Still entertaining all the same. I need new things. I try to read Wuthering Heights but the beginning just gets to be so....boring to say the least.

Oh well. Viva la Vida.

need a smoke.
got a party to plan.

i am a new me

because it is a new summer.
I feel like this summer will be better. I hope to not jinx this, but I am on better terms friends wise, which is quite helpful. Boy wise, not so much. But what do I need with boys anyways? I am done with boy drama. Or certain boy drama. I'm over it. It's finished. We'll just be best friends. That's cool with me. I'm not holding back anymore.
Today was my friends sweet sixteen birthday party. I felt old. Maybe it was because I was the oldest there. Oh well. That happens I guess.
Also, apparently I am technological inept tonight because every piece of my technology is not working tonight which is frustrating.
Tomorrow I see Up with the sailing gang after a sushi lunch. I am so excited.


Nurse: It is a new day, madam.
Viola de Lesseps: It is a new WORLD.

"you smell"

This is not the term you want to hear when you have just enacted in a ritual that is supposed to be enjoyable, sensual, and fabulous.
This is not what you want to hear when that said ritual wasn't the best you have ever had.
This is not what you want to hear when you are just finishing your "woman time" of the month and you are already in a pissy mood.

Today made me realize, and made me question more. Why do I like him? What do I find so appealing? At the moment, absolutely nothing. He has cheated on his girlfriend, he just told me I smell, and yet this is all for a physical relationship. Not because he still loves me, not because he wants to be with me. Purely for the reason that most teenage boys come up with; they are ruled by hormones.
But I guess we are too. Girls can go a little crazy too. We're hounds. We look for the best of the best.
I'm not going to sugar coat this: I feel like a total whore just taking a booty call. I feel like every feminist stance I have ever believed in has just been flushed down the toilet.
I'm tired of this never ending pattern that has been going on for two years now. Something has got to change.

I am taking up space I’m right out of place
I’m holding a half-hearted smile to your face
It’s pretty enough but watch out it fades away
Time is ticking so fast
Does anything last
Soon I will be just apart of your past
I’ll leave you with this
You hold on in blissful memories

i want to live where soul meets body

Today....not so bad. Slept in till 12, ate a pbj, watched a movie. Chilled out and then went over to Kyle's. Went out to dinner with him and then came back and played about 2 and a half straight hours of Wii and then came back to my humble abode.
I hate when people text me first and then never text me back....
I'm tired. and I'm so done with school. Despite the fact that I need to rock my spanish and biology finals...everything else is finished. I just have three finals this week, one per day. That's it. This year will be over....One more to go.

I love him so but I let him go, because I knew he'd never love me back.

I'm battle scarred, I am workin' oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

Despite the fact that I didn't have a party tonight because my mother didn't go out of town, I still had a fairly successful day. I got some new clothes, and I saw two movies. It was still a kind of boring day, and I have a killer headache from allergies.

hm. Paul just im-ed me. I guess I will talk with an old friend tonight.

I have been the other woman twice in my life. That's bad karma. haha.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I don't understand my ideas....my actions. I don't understand why I care so much. Or why I want things to happen.


interesting:
looking back i think it was probably a mistake for us to have sex. really? why? and how we did it was really irresponsible - it was really immature on my part. and on mine too. both because you were so young and because i didn't use protection. yeah, but you have at least a little excuse.you had never done it before. this is true. idk I gues i kind of agree....but then again i dont. with what do you agree and with what do you disagree? I agree because yes, we were both immature about it. I was ignorant, naive and you were ruled by your hormones. also, because I thought I loved you.I disagree because I thought I loved you. and my philosophy is to not have sex unless you love that person....which will probably change as i grow. but at the time i thought it was right. that makes sense. mhm. i like to think so. I just used to think it was ok to take advantage of people like that, and now I don't think it is - so i'm sorry for that. for taking advantage of your feelings for me. oh wow. .... thank you.

every time i am the faintest bit happy,
it is miserably ruined by somebody.
fuck this.

My mind is jumbled. Thoughts are everywhere.

What does this mean?

believe that love is out there.

I would like to write about my feelings, but I simply to do not posses the time to condense my broad thoughts into this simple blog.
Therefore, you can read the personal narrative I just wrote in 30 minutes. Enjoy.

The moment I walked into the Blanche M. Touhill center, I knew that theatre and I would be together, hand in hand, throughout the rest of my life. I had been preparing for this moment; the moment where I will finally put my light designing experience into use, and put on a show for thousands of Theatre lovers.

It was the 2009 Missouri Thespian State Conference. The All-state show, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, would be performing the first night. We were nervous, the cast, crew, and I. Every first Saturday of the month for five months, and an entire week in July we have been rehearsing: building sets, memorizing lines, painting said sets, blocking scenes, interpreting the unique Shakespearean language. We knew we were ready; ready to put on the best show these Missouri Thespians had ever seen.

We knew that the day before was going to be long. Most of us waking up before five in the morning waited for our coordinator to open up the backstage doors of the Touhill. I saw that ominous white cargo truck drive up. Our set was snuggly stuffed into that white truck. And it would take us a few hours at the most to get it all out.

While I helped most of the crew get our set out, the other light designers and I had to start working on the lights. We only had this day to make sure we had the right colors, intensities, and circuits in order to make this high school production look absolutely professional.

It was fun, I have to admit, though hectic. I sat with Webster student mentors in the booth, helping them type in numbers into the Strand light board, and discussing with them interesting books, and different philosophies.

I sat through three run-throughs that day: one for the actors, the other a tech rehearsal, and the other for the final touches. It was a very long and tedious process. I found myself drifting asleep quite frequently; resting my head against the base of the Strand while I listened to my fellow production colleagues recite Shakespeare in a none less than perfect manner.

Finally, though, after far more than twelve hours at the Touhill, we were free. But not for long, the next day would bring more rehearsals. And that night: opening night. The night we had been waiting for.

The next day felt like a repeat of the previous. More rehearsals, more tweaking occurred throughout the day. Later, we walked into the opening ceremonies, all of us projecting the most positives of auras. Our anticipation grew when we saw the large amount of delegates gathered with us.

While our Thespian troupes departed, we continued back stage. We ate, then the actors got into their flamboyant and professional costumes, while the crew members zipped up their black track jacks. To put it simply, we looked “fly,” or, “legit,” as one crew member stated.

Another rehearsal went by. Tensions rose. Excitement radiated from us like the heat of the sun. We heard the loud buzz of the thousands of high school thespians, and even professionals walk into the Blanche M. Touhill Performing Arts Center. It was time. This was it.

Actors took their places backstage. Running crew stood on the wings, camouflaged. Sound technicians stood in the middle audience at their board. I waited in my position in the back of the theatre, in the light booth. We waited for our cue.

“Sound cue A, lights 1, actors: standby”

I rested my finger on the “go” switch of that coveted Strand board.

“All cues go”

And then, I pressed “go.”

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm in the habit of having what I don't want.
I'm just a hologram, you can see
but don't touch me, baby.
oh, I bet you want me.

It's peculiar how music can fit situations so perfectly.

I'm frustrated. This weekend is turning out to be extremely....boring. There is not other way to describe it. Of course, this had to be the weekend that Claire gets grounded, so I can't spend the night, and then get basically blown off. Kind of.

I'm also tired of this pattern. When I actually try, I feel like we just get farther apart. But when I get that confidence, and that mind set that I don't need him, then he's the one always texting me, and trying to talk to me. It's the whole "hot and cold" deal, which frustrates the living hell out of me. I'm not saying that I want him again. I just want to be friends again.
It's not like he's really replying to my texts now; he probably has his pants off and just can't get to his phone easily.
I know. That was bitchy. I think it's my pms. I think if I wouldn't be pmsing, I probably wouldn't even care this much. But right now, I do. And I hate it. I don't like caring sometimes. I like going with the flow...and I just got on that track.

But summer is coming up soon and I'm very excited for that. It will be a summer filled with theatre, swimming, sun, and new love :) (haha or so I hope).

Not to jinx it, but next weekend better be good. Or at least Saturday. Spend the night, if you wish.
;)

But oh if you don’t want me though
I’ll only want you more
I fall in love with hard to get
You know you’re just like me
A mystery with nothing more to see
A virtual reality

gggrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Love is a carnival goldfish

I feel really sick. Queasy. It's probably because I just ate a lot (I mean a LOT) of king crab, I'm on three different antibiotics (zyrtec, ear infection, and ear drops), and I'm dreading finally writing my paper.

i just found out polo lost.
this ruins my spark.

this day has sucked. my spanish teacher wants a meeting with my mother and me for a "reality check" and I have a horrible ear infection and I have to write this stupid world lit paper.

I found this picture mesmerizing.

I wanted so badly to kiss him. But I felt that might have been crossing the line (well......), and I didn't know how he would react, or what he would say. I didn't want to make it awkward between us (it never is anyways).
Plus we're both animals so it might have led to something....crazy.

I won't be fooled again

I find origami highly therapeutic. "Why?" you may ask. My response would be "because it's Asian. That's why".
I am feeling very at ease, yet at the same time very stressed. I am at ease with my life, and my internal feelings towards it. My "D" is actually a "C" for the time being, so that makes my frustration level go down a significant amount.
My stress is caused by (you named it), school. With finals coming up, and an IB test next week, I need to buckle down. And how many times have I said that? I'm not even going to count.

Back to last night's post that was rudely interrupted by the broadcast of Gossip Girl:
I can't describe my happiness. I didnt' feel any worry, or any confusion yesterday after he left. I felt like I just had fun with a best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. There might be a possibility in the future....but I wouldn't count on it, and don't expect it. Expecting things to happen just wastes time. Letting things happen is living life. (new philosophy on life)
I still feel a little bad. After he left I got online and she fb chatted me and I was like "oh heyyy". It was just weird. But fun to have that secret, you know? (is that absolutely horrible of me?)
It was very nice to feel close again. And connected.

Like I said before, I'm pretty excited for the weekend. These weeks seem to drag on too slowly.
Sunday I get to see Kyle again. I am very excited.

The sun is shining for me again

wow

what just happened?

That was absolutely amazing. I feel bad, but then again...I feel absolutely great. I'm proud of myself actually. I don't feel like I'm in agony because I've "fallen in love" with him again, and I only feel slightly bad.

I feel wonderful.

It was a one time thing. It was on a wim. And it was nice to feel connected again.


I will expand on this later. it's Gossip Girl time.

It's about time.

I found myself lacking in energy this weekend, thus no blogging.

I guess I will commence with a weekend update.
This weekend nothing eventful happened. I stayed home both Friday and Saturday nights. Though, I did feel like a drug dealer Friday night, which was quite amusing. Saturday during the day I had a state board meeting in which we decided on t-shirt colors, design, Leadership opening and closing and a lot of other random things.
Having random conversations with some people. It's a little weird, but yet at the same time hilarious. I don't know what to think about it really, so I'm just kind of going with the flow. We'll see what happens.

This coming weekend, though will be fabulous. Or is predicted to be. Three day weekend. Hopefully I will be able to smoke on one of these days. Saturday will be filled of work and spirit festival. I always like working for percussion. And Sunday I have KBC, work, then the Cappies Gala for which I am nominated for light design. Shall be extravagant. Maybe.

I am definitely stressed. I cannot have a D on my transcript.
AP test seemed to go decently well. I think I got a 3 or a 4. Hopefully the latter.

On another subject, my lack of sexual contact is driving me absolutely insane.
Really. It's been way too long.

I sit in front of a luminescent white screen. The ominous tiny black cursor mocks me while repeatedly flashing. I ponder my thesis:
Societal conformity is exposed as ironic by the authors Albert Camus and Gabriel Garcia Marquez through their use of imagery describing the beliefs and actions of their characters in The Stranger and Chronicle of a Death Foretold.
"shit"
I have been at this for about an hour and a half now, my Nerds candy box already empty. The low hum of a indie band is ringing in my ears from the speakers. Anything would be better than this.
Procrastination is a thing of beauty; or for some, a characteristic far worse than annoying. I cannot help but to procrastinate when it comes to essays: who wants to write them? The structure in which we are demanded to write it in none the least is horrific enough, but taking time out of our lives to write a 1,000-1,500 word essay about a topic that we will most likely never think about again after this year is torture.
I keep finding excuses to not do this essay; surfing random websites, Facebook stalking, and texting are some of the few ways to completely bypass this ill-fated task.
It's obvious what I need to do, I just refuse to.
My sanity has reached its limit; my motivation lacks a great deal.
But alas, I must complete this burden.
Goodbye, Sanity. You will be sorely missed.

I Hate Mondays

I know this statement is highly cliche, but it must be stated here. I hate Mondays with a fierceness of one thousand tigers competing for a single piece of meat. It's one of those days when you wake up, and you know it won't be a good day....just because it's a Monday.
This Monday, though, was relatively decent. I am already stressed with a rough draft due on Wednesday, AP test on Friday, and just the fact that I'm at school doesn't help either. It did help that I saw a usually disturbing image, but hilarious to me.
What I need is summer. I feel like this summer should actually be good....I have a decent amount of friends, I am going to Internationals and audition for colleges, I can tan, I have a car, it should be good. I'm excited. But I can't be too excited just yet.

My sanity is relatively good. Four day weekend coming up next week, which is something to look forward to. I will hopefully be hanging out a lot with Claire ;)
I think everything has been a lot better lately, and after everything that happened, I should've listened to my friends sooner. Because they were right. I think I take my friendships for granted, and that's why I have off and on friendships a lot.

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time

The Saltwater Room-Owl City

People who are hot and cold annoy me.
Just stay one temperature please and don't confuse me.

oh brudder.

Not to jinx it, but I have probably had the best weekend ever. Well, of this quarter at least. Let me give you a play-by-play. Not that you care or anything, but you will live:

Friday: Play that night. It went really well. There were a lot of laughs. Skipped out on the cast party and went to Ian's instead. Probably the most fun I've had in a while (which isn't much, by the way). Driving home was ridiculously awesome and a little scary because I kept thinking I was lost because the roads seemed much longer than normal......
Saturday: Relaxed during the day, then went to the water polo game, which is always enjoyable. I then moved to the play, which went decently. After that I continued to the BB 17 debut concert. Already missing Archetypes, I was slightly disappointed. But it still turned out awesome-ly. And I'm really glad I showed up.
After THAT I was going to go to the cast party, but then my friend told me that T (guy I made out with from Vianney) was having people over. And knowing that he would flip shit when I showed up (because he's scared of me now...), I went for literally 5 minutes. I walked in, hugged him. Went to his basement said hi to the other guys and the Notre Dame girls, and then left to the cast party. Which I stayed at for about 5 minutes and then continued on home.
Today: I went to youth group, which wasn't too much of a bore. And continued to go to lunch with Kyle! I have missed him so much and it was so good to see him and walk around Kirkwood with him :)

It was a weekend filled with a lot of milage and half a tank of gas, but ultimately, I would say that it was definitely worth it.

time takes time, you know

This week has worn me out completely.
But I am feeling better than yesterday. Yesterday was just one of those days, you know?
But it's crunch time. AP test coming up, IB test in a couple of weeks, World Lit paper due in a couple of weeks.......
I'll get on that after this weekend.
I have to admit, I'm pretty excited for this weekend.

In time I will fade away,
In time I won't hear what you say,
In time...but time takes time you know.

I haven't felt like this in a long time

Hating my mother, highly annoyed by my best friends, constantly tired, always alone, missing him.

I think it's a mix of pms, stress, and just the season. It's near the end of the school year...I always get like this around this time. I always mess up. Everything is worse in Spring for me, usually. Freshman year, it was trouble about my C in English. Last year, grades...again, and boy problems. This year, grades. Again. I spy a pattern.
I just get so worn out. And it's so extremely frustrating. The more days go on, the more alone I feel, and the more effort I put into not feeling alone; this gets me no where, obviously.
I keep procrastinating on everything. I have to focus.

Right now, I don't have the time or inspiration to write anything close to intellectual. Just expression.

Show Me What I'm Looking For-Carolina Liar
Look it up.

Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

indie

Music is the best form of expression. I can find any song that fits my exact mood, tone, and connotation. Lately, I have been striving to expand my music knowledge. I have been doing so with this amazing website: thesixtyone.com
My attraction to soft, pulsating beats has become stronger. I have never loved indie music more. The calm flows through my ear canal, into my brain where I am instantly breathing deeply and focusing on happy thoughts. It is a bass I could meditate to, if any bass at all. It usually stays in the treble.

I would write more, but I have lost my muse.
Until another day.

the best paragraph on teen violence ever

These days, youth have the most permeable minds in the entirety of society. They can believe anything if they put their minds to it, or mimic actions if they see it fit. This youthful age group is where the media moguls make their strike: by showing footage of a “real world” fight, wrestling matches, or even crude practical jokes, the youth of today sits in awe of the intense action shots. Television shows and movies aired that portray tactless and brutal scenes obviously introduce students to a different world; a world where they can hit, punch or shoot whoever they can and whoever gets in their way, and it be accepted by everyone else. Images like these can and do influence a lot of youth to use the violence themselves; proving to be a source of the surge of fighting.

I wrote this shit in five minutes.

the old me is dead and gone

Despite my lack of car, my non superior grades, and my acute awareness of my loneliness, I can say that I have had a successful weekend.

Friday night I made an impromptu judgment to go see my favorite musical of all time with a good friend. Ended up bending my tire (karma can suck it). Tried to smoke a joint, but alas, failed at doing so and must take another joint rolling class 101 with a fellow student.
Saturday was more of a bonding day with my mother, to say the least. I slept in till 12 and stayed up well past my bed time :) Did a little shopping at good ole Wal-Mart and finished the day watching late night television programs drifting asleep in my seemingly cold room.
Sunday was filled of heat, and freedom. After attending Sunday school I made an appearance at a wedding shower for my cousin, which was then followed by making up to a friend. Seeing Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, of course.

This weekend can seem obtuse to you, but to me it was quite decent. Sure, there could have been some partying thrown in here and there. But overall, I am feeling quite content and ready to face a brick being hit at me over and over again this week. This is also known as school.
Which, will be a bitch because the scheduling is absolutely horrid. End of Course Exams can suck it along side Karma.

I'll be celebrating 4/20 late.
I get a half eighth of kb tomorrow :)
shit.

memphis

I have to find some way to convince my mother to let Tristan drive me to Memphis so we can go see Matisyahu and Les Claypool for the best concert ever. I really need something like that. To just kind of be free.
I'm so extremely disappointed in myself.....I had a chance and I blew it. My grades suck, and it's almost the end of junior year.
I can tell I'm pmsing because i'm being a total bitch to E. and Hill is pissing me off, so that's a sure sign that I'm pmsing. Cause I love that girl.
The guy I hooked up with two fridays ago was at school today. For a tennis match. He was playing Nathan. It was kind of funny just because he doesn't talk to me at all.
Why am I always pulled towards the douches?

lonely

I felt really lonely this weekend. No one really called, texted, or contacted me in any sort of way. Desperately trying to get plans on Friday, I ended up just staying home and watching Bedtime Stories. Saturday, I babysat. All. Day. Or, at least until 6. Then I went shopping with my mom because I was begging her so we could get out of the house. On the plus side, I got a really cute bikini :)
Today i went to the mall. And I was supposed to go last night with Keith, Hillary, Jen, and Noelle. Nobody called me. But I expected that, because Keith had games. Guess who I see at the mall today? Yeah, them. COOL way to call me.

I will write more tomorrow. It is time for me to retire.

2 A's. 1 B. 2 C's. 1 D.
No more water polo for me.

I am extremely pissed at myself.

"I knew this was a dream it was too good to be true"

Personally, I (and the majority of females) find it quite tacky for guys to tell other people our physical relationship. I hated hearing about how other people knew what I did with Ian. Especially people who I wouldn't expect to know. I feel like especially if you're a relationship...those kind of things are kind of personal, and close to only the partners in the relationship, and not the general public or sports teams or best friends or whoever else.

I keep telling myself I can't get wrapped into all that anymore. Because it only means bad for me. If you think about it...whenever I do, everything bad happens. When I found out that my show made it to Internationals, that same night everything happened. And there are more examples, but I've blocked bad memories from my mind for the most part, so I won't recount them now.

It's possible that I will write more later. But right now, I need to find inspiration. I need a muse.

later:
I'm a total mess. I didn't even bring my US history homework with me, I forgot my business book and I have to work tomorrow night. My mom is pissing me off and I'm tired as fuck.
I really really really miss my brother. He is the cheese to my mac. The one person that truly kept me sane. And I only saw him briefly today :( but luckily I got to speak with his father. That brightened up my day.
Once I got home though, it basically went like this:
-Smoke two drags of a cigarette then watch the rest go up in flames
-listen to my mom yell
-sleep
-eat
-distract myself
Not the most exciting life.

Words are not pictures. . .they are tools.

Give your immortality to me; I'll set you up against the stars

I feel like there is something I'm missing. But I can't quite pinpoint it.
School is frustrating me. I'm just really tired of it, and I just need for it to be summer, and for me to be a senior.

The general majority of the male specimen can really piss me off.

I started talking to my friend from Webster again. There is a reason why I like to have conversations with collegiate people: because I feel like I can have a decently intelligent and intellectual conversation.
For instance, he asked me: what are you contemplating lately? my reply: as far as any contemplating, I'm thinking lately about the origin of happiness in the human psyche (in light of the conversations I had last night).
His reply: In that medium, happiness is the illusion the void is filled, but it is temporary and soon one is on to the next desire. For my happiness is being ethical, healthy and doing favored activities. That is the highest level, then there are the instant pleasures of body and mind. But happiness is subjective so who knows what it is. It is up to the imagination, kinda like God haha.
See? Insightful, yet humorous. Some grammatical errors, but hey, it was in text messages at 8 in the morning.
My friend and I decided today that the guys here suck.

I need to read more books. I just don't have the time though. L'Etranger was amazing. Maybe I'll read some more Camus.

Pet peeve of the day: TYPiNG LiKE THiS aLl ThE TiME

This chaos, this calamity, this garden once was perfect

content

I feel content. Well, actually, some of this has changed in light of the fact that school is back on. I'm already feeling the stress, especially with progress this Friday. And if my grades aren't good enough, then I won't get to do water polo anymore. Which will probably be hell on Earth.

I probably shouldn't party. Or at least, maybe do it more often. Because it just takes me a few days to recover....I didn't really remember a lot of what happened in school last week. That probably isn't a good sign.

Ever since I've befriended Claire again...I've been pretty happy. I mean she's someone I can really talk to now and kind of relate to and understand because of things that she went through with her guy. And just Friday night...geez. I love nights like those. When I feel like I can just do anything I want. It was a lot of fun. And i was pretty proud of myself for not once thinking about calling him when i was "under the influence". Which could be a sign....
And I really don't care that this guy won't text me back...I mean it was kinda a one night thing. And apparently he's pretty dumb when it comes to girls...which is pretty familiar to me. Hah. But I like that I met new people. I love doing that.

Sometimes I still go back and I worry about him. Just because he's still close to my heart, being one of my friends and all, and I like talking to him...when we don't get into fights. But I like knowing that he'll be there for me....and likewise, I for him. I just have to be careful...but so far I feel pretty strong. Like I can totally do this without having feelings for him. I just have to move on. Though, the majority of people don't think I have, I'm working on it.

Right now, I'm immersing myself in happy thoughts, and trying to get my portfolio together for college auditions in the summer.

eek.

if you knew i was dying, would it change anything?

into dust

I have a mantra. It works quite effectively. Though, there are times of doubt; when I feel lonely, or feel like there's something lacking in life, memories arise.
but, I have to keep going on. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I hope we can be friends.

there are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how

extremely good

I don't think I've felt this amazing in a long time. Like this weight has been lifted off of me. I'm over him, and I love it.
I've realized that we're one of those people that is either in a relationship, or we just can't really make it as friends. That's how it's been lately, at least. I tried, I really did. But he was just an ass to me. Which made me be a "bitch" to him. So now it's just like what's the point? What's the point in trying to throw popcorn at me or trying to get other people to say things for you to me, when all you're going to do is be a douche? If you really want my attention, stop being such an ass, maybe grow some balls. You're the one that said you wanted to be friends, despite how you hurt me. How you wanted me to be there for you when you needed. Well, I tried, but you have to too.
But I am excellent. Only problem is loneliness, but I get over that quickly. I hope I'm not jinxing this, but really......I'm extremely good.

bus

I feel like I've just been hit by a bus. One of those big buses....Coach buses...with the built in toilets. Right in the gut. It just aimed for me.
This shouldn't bother me...okay, maybe it should. So it does. The public pictures? they're gross. I mean...honestly I look down upon those who post pictures of them making out with someone else...i don't mind the whole cheek kiss thing...but it's all about having some type of tact. And that was just a total punch to my stomach.
and so was the fact that he thinks he has never been an asshole to me....that's bullshit. I just have to draw the line there. I'm tired of not being respected....from friends and otherwise.

and i thought I wasn't going to smoke a cigarette today...guess I was wrong. I have smoked one for the past three days....guess it's a spring break thing.

needs

I'm good. Really, I am. It's surprising, but I think I'm going to be okay.
I've realized now that I need somebody who will actually respect me and love me back.
So until that day comes I'll just live my life :)

an immature playboy

That's what my therapist called him. It's hilarious. She's hilarious. Sometimes she frustrates me, but everyone does at one point in time.

Though it's funny, it's also sad. I don't like thinking of him as a player. But, I mean, look what he's done. Look at what he did with me. Definition of a player, right? Ah, I don't know. Possibly. It's so hard to think of that. I'm still hurting, but I'm trying to focus on other things right now. It's hard.

Apparently they're going to the dance together. That's going to be extremely hard for me. I really don't know what I'm going to do....

there are plenty of fish in the sea.

optimistic thinking

That's what I'm counting on right now. Optimism. What's the point in focusing on all the negativity?

I've been going about this all wrong. I kept asking myself "what did i do to deserve all this shit?" and everyone told me I didn't do anything. Well, now I'm going to listen to them. I've decided that maybe this is fate's way of telling me that I'm just not supposed to be with him (at least for now) and that something better will come along eventually. Maybe I'm just supposed to live my life to the fullest right now, and be selfish like he is.

I mean, yeah even with all this optimism it still hurts. A lot. But right now, I need to focus.

I have an appointment with Judy tomorrow. I haven't decided yet if I'll fill her in on him. I probably should. It was a big event that changed me.
Oh, and I actually had a meal today. So already, improvement.

breathing

i just have to keep breathing. if i start getting mad and really thinking about the situation, just breathing helps. so hopefully i can do this until i finally start getting over him.

so much frustration.
I would write more but i just wanna keep breathing right now.

exhausted

i am so extremely exhausted from everything in life. Especially with dealing with all this shit. I'm tired of it, and tired of the bull.

I feel extremely stupid of being played again. And I just want to live my life without having to think about this...but it will always be in my mind. And I will always suffer.

Thank you, so much.

love you too. dont fret over no valentine.

[he] hasnt been rainbows and unicorns for you in the past.

you need rainbows and unicorns. haha

not rainbows in a gay way

rainbows in a perfect fantasy land way

endorphins

I don't even think I'm that extremely depressed anymore. I think I'm just mad about the whole situation. Just thinking about it, him, just makes me so extremely pissed.
Especially because of all that bullshit he said about needing me to be his best friend still, and how if i fall, he'll catch me and help me back up.
Well, he hasn't been there for me so far, really. And I'm making this huge effort to be his friend and i'm getting absolutely no effort back. One word, monosyllabic answers with an occasional sentence.
It's frustrating to no end.

I just have to keep thinking about my mantra. that helps, sometimes. I just need to release major endorphins so I can feel okay again. It's sad that that might be my only hope at the moment.

According to practically everybody in existence, I'm just supposed to cut him out of my life. I'm supposed to delete him from my phone and just not talk to him or worry about him or think about him. How is that even humanly possible? Oh, that's right. It's not.

Finished fighting

I woke up this morning with the same feeling as last night, which is a sign that I'm right about my decision.

what's the reason of mourning over this loss of him? there's nothing i can do at the time being, or probably anytime soon. so what's my option? get over him. and i should've done this a very long time ago. like, when he did this to me last year. that should have been the time when i said "alright, this guy is not for me, i need to move on. no matter how much i love him."
this is what i will do i suppose. i definitely need to start focusing on school more, because you see, this pattern is the more i focus on him honestly, the worst my grades get. which is bad. well, maybe that's not always the pattern, but i focus on school less. plus, i really want a shit load of money.
I would love to still be friends with him, but not best friends. I don't think i'm ready for that. Ready to hear the dish about his dates and stuff.

So i don't know about Snowball...I think i'm going to go. Because if I go get sushi with him and the sailing gang...I don't know how my feelings will react to that atmosphere. i love them, but I just don't want to test it out so soon. So I'll think about it a little more.
Last night I kept thinking of him and his date. and it honestly frustrated me to no end. and it felt like my stomach was just punched about 50 times in a row. but the more i thought about it, and kept taking the hits, the more apathetic i turned. It's not like the more I think about it, the less he'll be with her. Nothing will change of me dwelling on the fact that he has already moved on (ahem, just like last year).
I'll probably still give his valentine's day gift to him. maybe after school on Tuesday. Because I don't want it, but I don't want to return it and give him his money back. And besides, it's something that will potentially make him happy. So why not? like i said, all i want is for him to be happy.
But i need to start being selfish, too. I need to start thinking of myself, and my needs and where I'm going. I lost sight of my goals and dreams and I need to get back on track.

So what's the point? what's the point in all of this sadness and depression? him? no. I'm tired of feeling this way, and not having an appetite and not sleeping correctly. and I will not do this to myself again. I don't want to cry over him again.
i want to be respected, and treated right. and eventually, that's what I'll get. not anytime soon, but I can always hope.

I know this is going to be a rough transition. I'm going to see them in the hallways being all "cute" and flirty and I'm just going to want to cry....or gag. or punch his face. But he'll be happy. I'm just going to have to deal with it. This is my only option. Yeah, I can fight for him...but we never know what good or bad that will do for this situation. Technically, I am constantly fighting for him. Well, i'm finished fighting. And if he runs back to me, we'll see what happens. Knowing me, I'll probably take him back. I hope sometime soon she gets filled in on what he did to me. She deserves that.

I'm happy I realized this faster than last year...it took me four months to slightly move on. I've had my week of depression....now starts my life of living.
but i'm a little worried that the moment I see him in school on Tuesday...everything I have built up inside me will just go down the tubes.
and i'm not going to lie, that will most likely happen.

i had a dream last night that this really cute guy from all-state and i finally got closer and ah it was magical. haha if only, if only.

my mantra: "he's not right for me...i can do this"

note to self

you did nothing to deserve this.

well, you can't know you want better and expect better to happen right away. you're going to have to wait until it comes along. maybe better is here right now, but you don't see it becauseall you see is ian.

"better" isn't going to be some guy hitting on you, better will be some guy you meet, talk to, and form a relationship with. it's not just going to happen. you know that.

independent

i think i can do this.
my mom offered me $100 for every C i get up to a B.
and I think if i focus on that enough, i can stop focusing on him, and just move on with my life.

i mean if i really think about it......how good are we together? eh, we're decent. but destined to be? nah. a slim chance. he doesn't even like theatre. and that's my passion. at least i'm open to his passions. but he has never been to one of my shows.

and the person that i need.....just needs to love me back....and needs to understand me and understand that i vent a lot and get stressed and just needs to be there for me and be able to say the right things. and i'm not saying he never did that, but sometimes he didn't or it just wasn't up to par. which is understandable because he has his own shit. but...idk. i didn't feel as great as an effort. i guess that's the whole different levels of love thing going on.

even though i say this, just thinking about him and his new little valentine still pisses me off. but the more i think about it, the more i become apathetic. because it's just gotten to the point where it's annoying now and we'll just see what happens. especially when she finds out what happened between us, which i'm sure will happen just cuz he deserves to tell her. if he doesn't, he's even more of an ass than i gave him credit for.

so we shall see. right now, i'm just content.

hypocrite

i haven't eaten in a couple days. just a few bites here and there. i just haven't had an appetite. this is exactly like last year....the way i felt...
all i can think about today is how he'll be with her. already. his new valentine. when just last weekend we were going to be valentines....he just dumps me and goes straight to her, less than 24 hours later. actually, i think he asked her out before he dumped me.
they'll probably kiss. exchange gifts. hold hands. and all i'll be thinking is "you just had sex with me last weekend...just told me you felt the same way for me.....just told me about how much you wanted me in your arms...and yet you do this to me?"
i understand his reasoning completely, i just find it highly unfair. what's fair about abandoning the one person who loved you as much as i did? and then going on talking about how you do everything for everyone, but not enough for yourself?...but now you're going to. you can be such a hypocrite.

ahhhhhhhhhh.

the longest period of time today when i haven't been crying is 1-4 hour. because i cried after lunch, and after school. and ever since after school there's been about an hour all together when i haven't cried.

i feel like i did last year.

abandoned. again.

and no matter how many people tell me, and how many times they tell me, i still see this as my fault entirely.

i deleted all my text messges....even the ones i've saved since the 18th of January. What's the point in reading them again, when they mean absolutely nothing now?

i am feeling everything....and nothing.

everything:
pissed at what has just happened. confused at how and why this happened. adored, because my friends have been so helpful and supportive. I should've listened to them more. Pitiful, because well, of obvious reasons. Selfish because all i want his him.
but mainly, i'm just so confused and pissed. I can find so many reasons on why I should just give up and get over him. That he's not worth my time like everyone says and how I can get better and he doesn't deserve me.
See, but the problem is: i don't want this so-called "better". my better is him. He is what makes me happy, despite disputes like this. No matter what, i want him to be happy. But i feel like I can only be happy with him. I guess that's love. That's what it does to you. It absolutely rips you apart.

I feel like i've done everything possible for him. I buy him stuff, help him with anything, try to talk to him. Yet it got me no where. i always tell him i'm here for him, yet he goes straight to his teachers for advice.
and i'm getting quite frustrated with the fact that they know basically about my whole relationship with him, but not my side of it at all. i feel judged, especially last semester when one of them called me immature. that was a blow to the ego....

At least he realizes that he's being selfish. But it's still so extremely unfair. He wants someone new who doesn't know his past and who can't judge him for it....but i don't judge him, that's the thing. Despite everything that has happened, and especially to me (which is probably the worst he has done to someone last year), i still come running back to him. and i'm still irrevocably in love with him. how is this possible? yeah, that's right, love does this shit to you.

and how can he love me, yet have feelings for someone else? my stomach is just in knots right now. i feel so sick to my stomach. i feel like i'm just going through exactly the same thing as last year. and not even better or worse. this is how hurt i felt.

like i said, i'm feeling everything and nothing.

because I feel so absolutely empty right now, it's ridiculous. I haven't felt this way in a very long time...and now it's back and i just want to die. i feel like i'm going to vomit. fuck this. fuck all this freaking bullshit. all his mood swings and all his indecisions. he needs to make up his mind.....

Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew. -MGMT

^^i should be so lucky


i love my friends:

hahah oh baby im pissed now

ugh. what a fucking prick. i'll kill him with just my thumbs and teeth.

the reason you can only picture him for you is because you'r ein love with him. there's no rhym or reason to that-it doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, it just means he's the one you want right now.

:( i'm sorry beautiful. you're so much better than he'll ever know.

Le coeur à ces raisons que la raison ignore.

i wish you weren't in love with him anymore.
me too. sometimes.

indecisive

This is how I am feeling as of lately. About pretty much every aspect of my life.

i believe in love.

i believe in intuition.
i believe in second chances.
and maybe third and fourths.
i believe in open minds.

gay guys are the best to grind with

can i just say that, blatantly? they're fantastic. haha no, in all seriousness i'm fairly sure i had the best 4 days of my life.
i'm frustrated right now because my pictures aren't loading on facebook.

currently listening to: Just Dance by Lady Gaga

♥ A Fine Frenzy

My current musical obsession [of the day] is A Fine Frenzy. Alison's lyrics and harmonious mixtures are absolutely perfect. I've listened to this song a million times tonight:

Near to You lyrics:

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

With a new year...

...comes new ideas, new experiences.
New hopes, loves, laughs, memories, friends, fights, confusions, and music.

I found my blog a little drab, so I changed it up a little. Deleting all 95 aggressive, and quite negative posts was kind of therapeutic I think .

Tonight, I start a new diary.

Hopefully, a lot more interesting than it used to be :)



Currently listening to: No Cars Go by the Arcade Fire