i am feeling everything....and nothing.

everything:
pissed at what has just happened. confused at how and why this happened. adored, because my friends have been so helpful and supportive. I should've listened to them more. Pitiful, because well, of obvious reasons. Selfish because all i want his him.
but mainly, i'm just so confused and pissed. I can find so many reasons on why I should just give up and get over him. That he's not worth my time like everyone says and how I can get better and he doesn't deserve me.
See, but the problem is: i don't want this so-called "better". my better is him. He is what makes me happy, despite disputes like this. No matter what, i want him to be happy. But i feel like I can only be happy with him. I guess that's love. That's what it does to you. It absolutely rips you apart.

I feel like i've done everything possible for him. I buy him stuff, help him with anything, try to talk to him. Yet it got me no where. i always tell him i'm here for him, yet he goes straight to his teachers for advice.
and i'm getting quite frustrated with the fact that they know basically about my whole relationship with him, but not my side of it at all. i feel judged, especially last semester when one of them called me immature. that was a blow to the ego....

At least he realizes that he's being selfish. But it's still so extremely unfair. He wants someone new who doesn't know his past and who can't judge him for it....but i don't judge him, that's the thing. Despite everything that has happened, and especially to me (which is probably the worst he has done to someone last year), i still come running back to him. and i'm still irrevocably in love with him. how is this possible? yeah, that's right, love does this shit to you.

and how can he love me, yet have feelings for someone else? my stomach is just in knots right now. i feel so sick to my stomach. i feel like i'm just going through exactly the same thing as last year. and not even better or worse. this is how hurt i felt.

like i said, i'm feeling everything and nothing.

because I feel so absolutely empty right now, it's ridiculous. I haven't felt this way in a very long time...and now it's back and i just want to die. i feel like i'm going to vomit. fuck this. fuck all this freaking bullshit. all his mood swings and all his indecisions. he needs to make up his mind.....

Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew. -MGMT

^^i should be so lucky


i love my friends:

hahah oh baby im pissed now

ugh. what a fucking prick. i'll kill him with just my thumbs and teeth.

the reason you can only picture him for you is because you'r ein love with him. there's no rhym or reason to that-it doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, it just means he's the one you want right now.

:( i'm sorry beautiful. you're so much better than he'll ever know.

Le coeur à ces raisons que la raison ignore.

i wish you weren't in love with him anymore.
me too. sometimes.