an immature playboy

That's what my therapist called him. It's hilarious. She's hilarious. Sometimes she frustrates me, but everyone does at one point in time.

Though it's funny, it's also sad. I don't like thinking of him as a player. But, I mean, look what he's done. Look at what he did with me. Definition of a player, right? Ah, I don't know. Possibly. It's so hard to think of that. I'm still hurting, but I'm trying to focus on other things right now. It's hard.

Apparently they're going to the dance together. That's going to be extremely hard for me. I really don't know what I'm going to do....

there are plenty of fish in the sea.

optimistic thinking

That's what I'm counting on right now. Optimism. What's the point in focusing on all the negativity?

I've been going about this all wrong. I kept asking myself "what did i do to deserve all this shit?" and everyone told me I didn't do anything. Well, now I'm going to listen to them. I've decided that maybe this is fate's way of telling me that I'm just not supposed to be with him (at least for now) and that something better will come along eventually. Maybe I'm just supposed to live my life to the fullest right now, and be selfish like he is.

I mean, yeah even with all this optimism it still hurts. A lot. But right now, I need to focus.

I have an appointment with Judy tomorrow. I haven't decided yet if I'll fill her in on him. I probably should. It was a big event that changed me.
Oh, and I actually had a meal today. So already, improvement.

breathing

i just have to keep breathing. if i start getting mad and really thinking about the situation, just breathing helps. so hopefully i can do this until i finally start getting over him.

so much frustration.
I would write more but i just wanna keep breathing right now.

exhausted

i am so extremely exhausted from everything in life. Especially with dealing with all this shit. I'm tired of it, and tired of the bull.

I feel extremely stupid of being played again. And I just want to live my life without having to think about this...but it will always be in my mind. And I will always suffer.

Thank you, so much.

love you too. dont fret over no valentine.

[he] hasnt been rainbows and unicorns for you in the past.

you need rainbows and unicorns. haha

not rainbows in a gay way

rainbows in a perfect fantasy land way

endorphins

I don't even think I'm that extremely depressed anymore. I think I'm just mad about the whole situation. Just thinking about it, him, just makes me so extremely pissed.
Especially because of all that bullshit he said about needing me to be his best friend still, and how if i fall, he'll catch me and help me back up.
Well, he hasn't been there for me so far, really. And I'm making this huge effort to be his friend and i'm getting absolutely no effort back. One word, monosyllabic answers with an occasional sentence.
It's frustrating to no end.

I just have to keep thinking about my mantra. that helps, sometimes. I just need to release major endorphins so I can feel okay again. It's sad that that might be my only hope at the moment.

According to practically everybody in existence, I'm just supposed to cut him out of my life. I'm supposed to delete him from my phone and just not talk to him or worry about him or think about him. How is that even humanly possible? Oh, that's right. It's not.

Finished fighting

I woke up this morning with the same feeling as last night, which is a sign that I'm right about my decision.

what's the reason of mourning over this loss of him? there's nothing i can do at the time being, or probably anytime soon. so what's my option? get over him. and i should've done this a very long time ago. like, when he did this to me last year. that should have been the time when i said "alright, this guy is not for me, i need to move on. no matter how much i love him."
this is what i will do i suppose. i definitely need to start focusing on school more, because you see, this pattern is the more i focus on him honestly, the worst my grades get. which is bad. well, maybe that's not always the pattern, but i focus on school less. plus, i really want a shit load of money.
I would love to still be friends with him, but not best friends. I don't think i'm ready for that. Ready to hear the dish about his dates and stuff.

So i don't know about Snowball...I think i'm going to go. Because if I go get sushi with him and the sailing gang...I don't know how my feelings will react to that atmosphere. i love them, but I just don't want to test it out so soon. So I'll think about it a little more.
Last night I kept thinking of him and his date. and it honestly frustrated me to no end. and it felt like my stomach was just punched about 50 times in a row. but the more i thought about it, and kept taking the hits, the more apathetic i turned. It's not like the more I think about it, the less he'll be with her. Nothing will change of me dwelling on the fact that he has already moved on (ahem, just like last year).
I'll probably still give his valentine's day gift to him. maybe after school on Tuesday. Because I don't want it, but I don't want to return it and give him his money back. And besides, it's something that will potentially make him happy. So why not? like i said, all i want is for him to be happy.
But i need to start being selfish, too. I need to start thinking of myself, and my needs and where I'm going. I lost sight of my goals and dreams and I need to get back on track.

So what's the point? what's the point in all of this sadness and depression? him? no. I'm tired of feeling this way, and not having an appetite and not sleeping correctly. and I will not do this to myself again. I don't want to cry over him again.
i want to be respected, and treated right. and eventually, that's what I'll get. not anytime soon, but I can always hope.

I know this is going to be a rough transition. I'm going to see them in the hallways being all "cute" and flirty and I'm just going to want to cry....or gag. or punch his face. But he'll be happy. I'm just going to have to deal with it. This is my only option. Yeah, I can fight for him...but we never know what good or bad that will do for this situation. Technically, I am constantly fighting for him. Well, i'm finished fighting. And if he runs back to me, we'll see what happens. Knowing me, I'll probably take him back. I hope sometime soon she gets filled in on what he did to me. She deserves that.

I'm happy I realized this faster than last year...it took me four months to slightly move on. I've had my week of depression....now starts my life of living.
but i'm a little worried that the moment I see him in school on Tuesday...everything I have built up inside me will just go down the tubes.
and i'm not going to lie, that will most likely happen.

i had a dream last night that this really cute guy from all-state and i finally got closer and ah it was magical. haha if only, if only.

my mantra: "he's not right for me...i can do this"

note to self

you did nothing to deserve this.

well, you can't know you want better and expect better to happen right away. you're going to have to wait until it comes along. maybe better is here right now, but you don't see it becauseall you see is ian.

"better" isn't going to be some guy hitting on you, better will be some guy you meet, talk to, and form a relationship with. it's not just going to happen. you know that.

independent

i think i can do this.
my mom offered me $100 for every C i get up to a B.
and I think if i focus on that enough, i can stop focusing on him, and just move on with my life.

i mean if i really think about it......how good are we together? eh, we're decent. but destined to be? nah. a slim chance. he doesn't even like theatre. and that's my passion. at least i'm open to his passions. but he has never been to one of my shows.

and the person that i need.....just needs to love me back....and needs to understand me and understand that i vent a lot and get stressed and just needs to be there for me and be able to say the right things. and i'm not saying he never did that, but sometimes he didn't or it just wasn't up to par. which is understandable because he has his own shit. but...idk. i didn't feel as great as an effort. i guess that's the whole different levels of love thing going on.

even though i say this, just thinking about him and his new little valentine still pisses me off. but the more i think about it, the more i become apathetic. because it's just gotten to the point where it's annoying now and we'll just see what happens. especially when she finds out what happened between us, which i'm sure will happen just cuz he deserves to tell her. if he doesn't, he's even more of an ass than i gave him credit for.

so we shall see. right now, i'm just content.

hypocrite

i haven't eaten in a couple days. just a few bites here and there. i just haven't had an appetite. this is exactly like last year....the way i felt...
all i can think about today is how he'll be with her. already. his new valentine. when just last weekend we were going to be valentines....he just dumps me and goes straight to her, less than 24 hours later. actually, i think he asked her out before he dumped me.
they'll probably kiss. exchange gifts. hold hands. and all i'll be thinking is "you just had sex with me last weekend...just told me you felt the same way for me.....just told me about how much you wanted me in your arms...and yet you do this to me?"
i understand his reasoning completely, i just find it highly unfair. what's fair about abandoning the one person who loved you as much as i did? and then going on talking about how you do everything for everyone, but not enough for yourself?...but now you're going to. you can be such a hypocrite.

ahhhhhhhhhh.

the longest period of time today when i haven't been crying is 1-4 hour. because i cried after lunch, and after school. and ever since after school there's been about an hour all together when i haven't cried.

i feel like i did last year.

abandoned. again.

and no matter how many people tell me, and how many times they tell me, i still see this as my fault entirely.

i deleted all my text messges....even the ones i've saved since the 18th of January. What's the point in reading them again, when they mean absolutely nothing now?

i am feeling everything....and nothing.

everything:
pissed at what has just happened. confused at how and why this happened. adored, because my friends have been so helpful and supportive. I should've listened to them more. Pitiful, because well, of obvious reasons. Selfish because all i want his him.
but mainly, i'm just so confused and pissed. I can find so many reasons on why I should just give up and get over him. That he's not worth my time like everyone says and how I can get better and he doesn't deserve me.
See, but the problem is: i don't want this so-called "better". my better is him. He is what makes me happy, despite disputes like this. No matter what, i want him to be happy. But i feel like I can only be happy with him. I guess that's love. That's what it does to you. It absolutely rips you apart.

I feel like i've done everything possible for him. I buy him stuff, help him with anything, try to talk to him. Yet it got me no where. i always tell him i'm here for him, yet he goes straight to his teachers for advice.
and i'm getting quite frustrated with the fact that they know basically about my whole relationship with him, but not my side of it at all. i feel judged, especially last semester when one of them called me immature. that was a blow to the ego....

At least he realizes that he's being selfish. But it's still so extremely unfair. He wants someone new who doesn't know his past and who can't judge him for it....but i don't judge him, that's the thing. Despite everything that has happened, and especially to me (which is probably the worst he has done to someone last year), i still come running back to him. and i'm still irrevocably in love with him. how is this possible? yeah, that's right, love does this shit to you.

and how can he love me, yet have feelings for someone else? my stomach is just in knots right now. i feel so sick to my stomach. i feel like i'm just going through exactly the same thing as last year. and not even better or worse. this is how hurt i felt.

like i said, i'm feeling everything and nothing.

because I feel so absolutely empty right now, it's ridiculous. I haven't felt this way in a very long time...and now it's back and i just want to die. i feel like i'm going to vomit. fuck this. fuck all this freaking bullshit. all his mood swings and all his indecisions. he needs to make up his mind.....

Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew. -MGMT

^^i should be so lucky


i love my friends:

hahah oh baby im pissed now

ugh. what a fucking prick. i'll kill him with just my thumbs and teeth.

the reason you can only picture him for you is because you'r ein love with him. there's no rhym or reason to that-it doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, it just means he's the one you want right now.

:( i'm sorry beautiful. you're so much better than he'll ever know.

Le coeur à ces raisons que la raison ignore.

i wish you weren't in love with him anymore.
me too. sometimes.