need a smoke.
got a party to plan.

i am a new me

because it is a new summer.
I feel like this summer will be better. I hope to not jinx this, but I am on better terms friends wise, which is quite helpful. Boy wise, not so much. But what do I need with boys anyways? I am done with boy drama. Or certain boy drama. I'm over it. It's finished. We'll just be best friends. That's cool with me. I'm not holding back anymore.
Today was my friends sweet sixteen birthday party. I felt old. Maybe it was because I was the oldest there. Oh well. That happens I guess.
Also, apparently I am technological inept tonight because every piece of my technology is not working tonight which is frustrating.
Tomorrow I see Up with the sailing gang after a sushi lunch. I am so excited.


Nurse: It is a new day, madam.
Viola de Lesseps: It is a new WORLD.

"you smell"

This is not the term you want to hear when you have just enacted in a ritual that is supposed to be enjoyable, sensual, and fabulous.
This is not what you want to hear when that said ritual wasn't the best you have ever had.
This is not what you want to hear when you are just finishing your "woman time" of the month and you are already in a pissy mood.

Today made me realize, and made me question more. Why do I like him? What do I find so appealing? At the moment, absolutely nothing. He has cheated on his girlfriend, he just told me I smell, and yet this is all for a physical relationship. Not because he still loves me, not because he wants to be with me. Purely for the reason that most teenage boys come up with; they are ruled by hormones.
But I guess we are too. Girls can go a little crazy too. We're hounds. We look for the best of the best.
I'm not going to sugar coat this: I feel like a total whore just taking a booty call. I feel like every feminist stance I have ever believed in has just been flushed down the toilet.
I'm tired of this never ending pattern that has been going on for two years now. Something has got to change.

I am taking up space I’m right out of place
I’m holding a half-hearted smile to your face
It’s pretty enough but watch out it fades away
Time is ticking so fast
Does anything last
Soon I will be just apart of your past
I’ll leave you with this
You hold on in blissful memories

i want to live where soul meets body

Today....not so bad. Slept in till 12, ate a pbj, watched a movie. Chilled out and then went over to Kyle's. Went out to dinner with him and then came back and played about 2 and a half straight hours of Wii and then came back to my humble abode.
I hate when people text me first and then never text me back....
I'm tired. and I'm so done with school. Despite the fact that I need to rock my spanish and biology finals...everything else is finished. I just have three finals this week, one per day. That's it. This year will be over....One more to go.

I love him so but I let him go, because I knew he'd never love me back.

I'm battle scarred, I am workin' oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

Despite the fact that I didn't have a party tonight because my mother didn't go out of town, I still had a fairly successful day. I got some new clothes, and I saw two movies. It was still a kind of boring day, and I have a killer headache from allergies.

hm. Paul just im-ed me. I guess I will talk with an old friend tonight.

I have been the other woman twice in my life. That's bad karma. haha.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I don't understand my ideas....my actions. I don't understand why I care so much. Or why I want things to happen.


interesting:
looking back i think it was probably a mistake for us to have sex. really? why? and how we did it was really irresponsible - it was really immature on my part. and on mine too. both because you were so young and because i didn't use protection. yeah, but you have at least a little excuse.you had never done it before. this is true. idk I gues i kind of agree....but then again i dont. with what do you agree and with what do you disagree? I agree because yes, we were both immature about it. I was ignorant, naive and you were ruled by your hormones. also, because I thought I loved you.I disagree because I thought I loved you. and my philosophy is to not have sex unless you love that person....which will probably change as i grow. but at the time i thought it was right. that makes sense. mhm. i like to think so. I just used to think it was ok to take advantage of people like that, and now I don't think it is - so i'm sorry for that. for taking advantage of your feelings for me. oh wow. .... thank you.

every time i am the faintest bit happy,
it is miserably ruined by somebody.
fuck this.

My mind is jumbled. Thoughts are everywhere.

What does this mean?

believe that love is out there.

I would like to write about my feelings, but I simply to do not posses the time to condense my broad thoughts into this simple blog.
Therefore, you can read the personal narrative I just wrote in 30 minutes. Enjoy.

The moment I walked into the Blanche M. Touhill center, I knew that theatre and I would be together, hand in hand, throughout the rest of my life. I had been preparing for this moment; the moment where I will finally put my light designing experience into use, and put on a show for thousands of Theatre lovers.

It was the 2009 Missouri Thespian State Conference. The All-state show, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, would be performing the first night. We were nervous, the cast, crew, and I. Every first Saturday of the month for five months, and an entire week in July we have been rehearsing: building sets, memorizing lines, painting said sets, blocking scenes, interpreting the unique Shakespearean language. We knew we were ready; ready to put on the best show these Missouri Thespians had ever seen.

We knew that the day before was going to be long. Most of us waking up before five in the morning waited for our coordinator to open up the backstage doors of the Touhill. I saw that ominous white cargo truck drive up. Our set was snuggly stuffed into that white truck. And it would take us a few hours at the most to get it all out.

While I helped most of the crew get our set out, the other light designers and I had to start working on the lights. We only had this day to make sure we had the right colors, intensities, and circuits in order to make this high school production look absolutely professional.

It was fun, I have to admit, though hectic. I sat with Webster student mentors in the booth, helping them type in numbers into the Strand light board, and discussing with them interesting books, and different philosophies.

I sat through three run-throughs that day: one for the actors, the other a tech rehearsal, and the other for the final touches. It was a very long and tedious process. I found myself drifting asleep quite frequently; resting my head against the base of the Strand while I listened to my fellow production colleagues recite Shakespeare in a none less than perfect manner.

Finally, though, after far more than twelve hours at the Touhill, we were free. But not for long, the next day would bring more rehearsals. And that night: opening night. The night we had been waiting for.

The next day felt like a repeat of the previous. More rehearsals, more tweaking occurred throughout the day. Later, we walked into the opening ceremonies, all of us projecting the most positives of auras. Our anticipation grew when we saw the large amount of delegates gathered with us.

While our Thespian troupes departed, we continued back stage. We ate, then the actors got into their flamboyant and professional costumes, while the crew members zipped up their black track jacks. To put it simply, we looked “fly,” or, “legit,” as one crew member stated.

Another rehearsal went by. Tensions rose. Excitement radiated from us like the heat of the sun. We heard the loud buzz of the thousands of high school thespians, and even professionals walk into the Blanche M. Touhill Performing Arts Center. It was time. This was it.

Actors took their places backstage. Running crew stood on the wings, camouflaged. Sound technicians stood in the middle audience at their board. I waited in my position in the back of the theatre, in the light booth. We waited for our cue.

“Sound cue A, lights 1, actors: standby”

I rested my finger on the “go” switch of that coveted Strand board.

“All cues go”

And then, I pressed “go.”

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm in the habit of having what I don't want.
I'm just a hologram, you can see
but don't touch me, baby.
oh, I bet you want me.

It's peculiar how music can fit situations so perfectly.

I'm frustrated. This weekend is turning out to be extremely....boring. There is not other way to describe it. Of course, this had to be the weekend that Claire gets grounded, so I can't spend the night, and then get basically blown off. Kind of.

I'm also tired of this pattern. When I actually try, I feel like we just get farther apart. But when I get that confidence, and that mind set that I don't need him, then he's the one always texting me, and trying to talk to me. It's the whole "hot and cold" deal, which frustrates the living hell out of me. I'm not saying that I want him again. I just want to be friends again.
It's not like he's really replying to my texts now; he probably has his pants off and just can't get to his phone easily.
I know. That was bitchy. I think it's my pms. I think if I wouldn't be pmsing, I probably wouldn't even care this much. But right now, I do. And I hate it. I don't like caring sometimes. I like going with the flow...and I just got on that track.

But summer is coming up soon and I'm very excited for that. It will be a summer filled with theatre, swimming, sun, and new love :) (haha or so I hope).

Not to jinx it, but next weekend better be good. Or at least Saturday. Spend the night, if you wish.
;)

But oh if you don’t want me though
I’ll only want you more
I fall in love with hard to get
You know you’re just like me
A mystery with nothing more to see
A virtual reality

gggrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Love is a carnival goldfish

I feel really sick. Queasy. It's probably because I just ate a lot (I mean a LOT) of king crab, I'm on three different antibiotics (zyrtec, ear infection, and ear drops), and I'm dreading finally writing my paper.

i just found out polo lost.
this ruins my spark.

this day has sucked. my spanish teacher wants a meeting with my mother and me for a "reality check" and I have a horrible ear infection and I have to write this stupid world lit paper.

I found this picture mesmerizing.

I wanted so badly to kiss him. But I felt that might have been crossing the line (well......), and I didn't know how he would react, or what he would say. I didn't want to make it awkward between us (it never is anyways).
Plus we're both animals so it might have led to something....crazy.

I won't be fooled again

I find origami highly therapeutic. "Why?" you may ask. My response would be "because it's Asian. That's why".
I am feeling very at ease, yet at the same time very stressed. I am at ease with my life, and my internal feelings towards it. My "D" is actually a "C" for the time being, so that makes my frustration level go down a significant amount.
My stress is caused by (you named it), school. With finals coming up, and an IB test next week, I need to buckle down. And how many times have I said that? I'm not even going to count.

Back to last night's post that was rudely interrupted by the broadcast of Gossip Girl:
I can't describe my happiness. I didnt' feel any worry, or any confusion yesterday after he left. I felt like I just had fun with a best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. There might be a possibility in the future....but I wouldn't count on it, and don't expect it. Expecting things to happen just wastes time. Letting things happen is living life. (new philosophy on life)
I still feel a little bad. After he left I got online and she fb chatted me and I was like "oh heyyy". It was just weird. But fun to have that secret, you know? (is that absolutely horrible of me?)
It was very nice to feel close again. And connected.

Like I said before, I'm pretty excited for the weekend. These weeks seem to drag on too slowly.
Sunday I get to see Kyle again. I am very excited.

The sun is shining for me again

wow

what just happened?

That was absolutely amazing. I feel bad, but then again...I feel absolutely great. I'm proud of myself actually. I don't feel like I'm in agony because I've "fallen in love" with him again, and I only feel slightly bad.

I feel wonderful.

It was a one time thing. It was on a wim. And it was nice to feel connected again.


I will expand on this later. it's Gossip Girl time.

It's about time.

I found myself lacking in energy this weekend, thus no blogging.

I guess I will commence with a weekend update.
This weekend nothing eventful happened. I stayed home both Friday and Saturday nights. Though, I did feel like a drug dealer Friday night, which was quite amusing. Saturday during the day I had a state board meeting in which we decided on t-shirt colors, design, Leadership opening and closing and a lot of other random things.
Having random conversations with some people. It's a little weird, but yet at the same time hilarious. I don't know what to think about it really, so I'm just kind of going with the flow. We'll see what happens.

This coming weekend, though will be fabulous. Or is predicted to be. Three day weekend. Hopefully I will be able to smoke on one of these days. Saturday will be filled of work and spirit festival. I always like working for percussion. And Sunday I have KBC, work, then the Cappies Gala for which I am nominated for light design. Shall be extravagant. Maybe.

I am definitely stressed. I cannot have a D on my transcript.
AP test seemed to go decently well. I think I got a 3 or a 4. Hopefully the latter.

On another subject, my lack of sexual contact is driving me absolutely insane.
Really. It's been way too long.

I sit in front of a luminescent white screen. The ominous tiny black cursor mocks me while repeatedly flashing. I ponder my thesis:
Societal conformity is exposed as ironic by the authors Albert Camus and Gabriel Garcia Marquez through their use of imagery describing the beliefs and actions of their characters in The Stranger and Chronicle of a Death Foretold.
"shit"
I have been at this for about an hour and a half now, my Nerds candy box already empty. The low hum of a indie band is ringing in my ears from the speakers. Anything would be better than this.
Procrastination is a thing of beauty; or for some, a characteristic far worse than annoying. I cannot help but to procrastinate when it comes to essays: who wants to write them? The structure in which we are demanded to write it in none the least is horrific enough, but taking time out of our lives to write a 1,000-1,500 word essay about a topic that we will most likely never think about again after this year is torture.
I keep finding excuses to not do this essay; surfing random websites, Facebook stalking, and texting are some of the few ways to completely bypass this ill-fated task.
It's obvious what I need to do, I just refuse to.
My sanity has reached its limit; my motivation lacks a great deal.
But alas, I must complete this burden.
Goodbye, Sanity. You will be sorely missed.

I Hate Mondays

I know this statement is highly cliche, but it must be stated here. I hate Mondays with a fierceness of one thousand tigers competing for a single piece of meat. It's one of those days when you wake up, and you know it won't be a good day....just because it's a Monday.
This Monday, though, was relatively decent. I am already stressed with a rough draft due on Wednesday, AP test on Friday, and just the fact that I'm at school doesn't help either. It did help that I saw a usually disturbing image, but hilarious to me.
What I need is summer. I feel like this summer should actually be good....I have a decent amount of friends, I am going to Internationals and audition for colleges, I can tan, I have a car, it should be good. I'm excited. But I can't be too excited just yet.

My sanity is relatively good. Four day weekend coming up next week, which is something to look forward to. I will hopefully be hanging out a lot with Claire ;)
I think everything has been a lot better lately, and after everything that happened, I should've listened to my friends sooner. Because they were right. I think I take my friendships for granted, and that's why I have off and on friendships a lot.

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time

The Saltwater Room-Owl City

People who are hot and cold annoy me.
Just stay one temperature please and don't confuse me.

oh brudder.

Not to jinx it, but I have probably had the best weekend ever. Well, of this quarter at least. Let me give you a play-by-play. Not that you care or anything, but you will live:

Friday: Play that night. It went really well. There were a lot of laughs. Skipped out on the cast party and went to Ian's instead. Probably the most fun I've had in a while (which isn't much, by the way). Driving home was ridiculously awesome and a little scary because I kept thinking I was lost because the roads seemed much longer than normal......
Saturday: Relaxed during the day, then went to the water polo game, which is always enjoyable. I then moved to the play, which went decently. After that I continued to the BB 17 debut concert. Already missing Archetypes, I was slightly disappointed. But it still turned out awesome-ly. And I'm really glad I showed up.
After THAT I was going to go to the cast party, but then my friend told me that T (guy I made out with from Vianney) was having people over. And knowing that he would flip shit when I showed up (because he's scared of me now...), I went for literally 5 minutes. I walked in, hugged him. Went to his basement said hi to the other guys and the Notre Dame girls, and then left to the cast party. Which I stayed at for about 5 minutes and then continued on home.
Today: I went to youth group, which wasn't too much of a bore. And continued to go to lunch with Kyle! I have missed him so much and it was so good to see him and walk around Kirkwood with him :)

It was a weekend filled with a lot of milage and half a tank of gas, but ultimately, I would say that it was definitely worth it.