I'll be celebrating 4/20 late.
I get a half eighth of kb tomorrow :)
shit.

memphis

I have to find some way to convince my mother to let Tristan drive me to Memphis so we can go see Matisyahu and Les Claypool for the best concert ever. I really need something like that. To just kind of be free.
I'm so extremely disappointed in myself.....I had a chance and I blew it. My grades suck, and it's almost the end of junior year.
I can tell I'm pmsing because i'm being a total bitch to E. and Hill is pissing me off, so that's a sure sign that I'm pmsing. Cause I love that girl.
The guy I hooked up with two fridays ago was at school today. For a tennis match. He was playing Nathan. It was kind of funny just because he doesn't talk to me at all.
Why am I always pulled towards the douches?

lonely

I felt really lonely this weekend. No one really called, texted, or contacted me in any sort of way. Desperately trying to get plans on Friday, I ended up just staying home and watching Bedtime Stories. Saturday, I babysat. All. Day. Or, at least until 6. Then I went shopping with my mom because I was begging her so we could get out of the house. On the plus side, I got a really cute bikini :)
Today i went to the mall. And I was supposed to go last night with Keith, Hillary, Jen, and Noelle. Nobody called me. But I expected that, because Keith had games. Guess who I see at the mall today? Yeah, them. COOL way to call me.

I will write more tomorrow. It is time for me to retire.

2 A's. 1 B. 2 C's. 1 D.
No more water polo for me.

I am extremely pissed at myself.

"I knew this was a dream it was too good to be true"

Personally, I (and the majority of females) find it quite tacky for guys to tell other people our physical relationship. I hated hearing about how other people knew what I did with Ian. Especially people who I wouldn't expect to know. I feel like especially if you're a relationship...those kind of things are kind of personal, and close to only the partners in the relationship, and not the general public or sports teams or best friends or whoever else.

I keep telling myself I can't get wrapped into all that anymore. Because it only means bad for me. If you think about it...whenever I do, everything bad happens. When I found out that my show made it to Internationals, that same night everything happened. And there are more examples, but I've blocked bad memories from my mind for the most part, so I won't recount them now.

It's possible that I will write more later. But right now, I need to find inspiration. I need a muse.

later:
I'm a total mess. I didn't even bring my US history homework with me, I forgot my business book and I have to work tomorrow night. My mom is pissing me off and I'm tired as fuck.
I really really really miss my brother. He is the cheese to my mac. The one person that truly kept me sane. And I only saw him briefly today :( but luckily I got to speak with his father. That brightened up my day.
Once I got home though, it basically went like this:
-Smoke two drags of a cigarette then watch the rest go up in flames
-listen to my mom yell
-sleep
-eat
-distract myself
Not the most exciting life.

Words are not pictures. . .they are tools.

Give your immortality to me; I'll set you up against the stars

I feel like there is something I'm missing. But I can't quite pinpoint it.
School is frustrating me. I'm just really tired of it, and I just need for it to be summer, and for me to be a senior.

The general majority of the male specimen can really piss me off.

I started talking to my friend from Webster again. There is a reason why I like to have conversations with collegiate people: because I feel like I can have a decently intelligent and intellectual conversation.
For instance, he asked me: what are you contemplating lately? my reply: as far as any contemplating, I'm thinking lately about the origin of happiness in the human psyche (in light of the conversations I had last night).
His reply: In that medium, happiness is the illusion the void is filled, but it is temporary and soon one is on to the next desire. For my happiness is being ethical, healthy and doing favored activities. That is the highest level, then there are the instant pleasures of body and mind. But happiness is subjective so who knows what it is. It is up to the imagination, kinda like God haha.
See? Insightful, yet humorous. Some grammatical errors, but hey, it was in text messages at 8 in the morning.
My friend and I decided today that the guys here suck.

I need to read more books. I just don't have the time though. L'Etranger was amazing. Maybe I'll read some more Camus.

Pet peeve of the day: TYPiNG LiKE THiS aLl ThE TiME

This chaos, this calamity, this garden once was perfect

content

I feel content. Well, actually, some of this has changed in light of the fact that school is back on. I'm already feeling the stress, especially with progress this Friday. And if my grades aren't good enough, then I won't get to do water polo anymore. Which will probably be hell on Earth.

I probably shouldn't party. Or at least, maybe do it more often. Because it just takes me a few days to recover....I didn't really remember a lot of what happened in school last week. That probably isn't a good sign.

Ever since I've befriended Claire again...I've been pretty happy. I mean she's someone I can really talk to now and kind of relate to and understand because of things that she went through with her guy. And just Friday night...geez. I love nights like those. When I feel like I can just do anything I want. It was a lot of fun. And i was pretty proud of myself for not once thinking about calling him when i was "under the influence". Which could be a sign....
And I really don't care that this guy won't text me back...I mean it was kinda a one night thing. And apparently he's pretty dumb when it comes to girls...which is pretty familiar to me. Hah. But I like that I met new people. I love doing that.

Sometimes I still go back and I worry about him. Just because he's still close to my heart, being one of my friends and all, and I like talking to him...when we don't get into fights. But I like knowing that he'll be there for me....and likewise, I for him. I just have to be careful...but so far I feel pretty strong. Like I can totally do this without having feelings for him. I just have to move on. Though, the majority of people don't think I have, I'm working on it.

Right now, I'm immersing myself in happy thoughts, and trying to get my portfolio together for college auditions in the summer.

eek.

if you knew i was dying, would it change anything?

into dust

I have a mantra. It works quite effectively. Though, there are times of doubt; when I feel lonely, or feel like there's something lacking in life, memories arise.
but, I have to keep going on. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I hope we can be friends.

there are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how