need a smoke.
got a party to plan.

i am a new me

because it is a new summer.
I feel like this summer will be better. I hope to not jinx this, but I am on better terms friends wise, which is quite helpful. Boy wise, not so much. But what do I need with boys anyways? I am done with boy drama. Or certain boy drama. I'm over it. It's finished. We'll just be best friends. That's cool with me. I'm not holding back anymore.
Today was my friends sweet sixteen birthday party. I felt old. Maybe it was because I was the oldest there. Oh well. That happens I guess.
Also, apparently I am technological inept tonight because every piece of my technology is not working tonight which is frustrating.
Tomorrow I see Up with the sailing gang after a sushi lunch. I am so excited.


Nurse: It is a new day, madam.
Viola de Lesseps: It is a new WORLD.

"you smell"

This is not the term you want to hear when you have just enacted in a ritual that is supposed to be enjoyable, sensual, and fabulous.
This is not what you want to hear when that said ritual wasn't the best you have ever had.
This is not what you want to hear when you are just finishing your "woman time" of the month and you are already in a pissy mood.

Today made me realize, and made me question more. Why do I like him? What do I find so appealing? At the moment, absolutely nothing. He has cheated on his girlfriend, he just told me I smell, and yet this is all for a physical relationship. Not because he still loves me, not because he wants to be with me. Purely for the reason that most teenage boys come up with; they are ruled by hormones.
But I guess we are too. Girls can go a little crazy too. We're hounds. We look for the best of the best.
I'm not going to sugar coat this: I feel like a total whore just taking a booty call. I feel like every feminist stance I have ever believed in has just been flushed down the toilet.
I'm tired of this never ending pattern that has been going on for two years now. Something has got to change.

I am taking up space I’m right out of place
I’m holding a half-hearted smile to your face
It’s pretty enough but watch out it fades away
Time is ticking so fast
Does anything last
Soon I will be just apart of your past
I’ll leave you with this
You hold on in blissful memories

i want to live where soul meets body

Today....not so bad. Slept in till 12, ate a pbj, watched a movie. Chilled out and then went over to Kyle's. Went out to dinner with him and then came back and played about 2 and a half straight hours of Wii and then came back to my humble abode.
I hate when people text me first and then never text me back....
I'm tired. and I'm so done with school. Despite the fact that I need to rock my spanish and biology finals...everything else is finished. I just have three finals this week, one per day. That's it. This year will be over....One more to go.

I love him so but I let him go, because I knew he'd never love me back.

I'm battle scarred, I am workin' oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

Despite the fact that I didn't have a party tonight because my mother didn't go out of town, I still had a fairly successful day. I got some new clothes, and I saw two movies. It was still a kind of boring day, and I have a killer headache from allergies.

hm. Paul just im-ed me. I guess I will talk with an old friend tonight.

I have been the other woman twice in my life. That's bad karma. haha.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I don't understand my ideas....my actions. I don't understand why I care so much. Or why I want things to happen.


interesting:
looking back i think it was probably a mistake for us to have sex. really? why? and how we did it was really irresponsible - it was really immature on my part. and on mine too. both because you were so young and because i didn't use protection. yeah, but you have at least a little excuse.you had never done it before. this is true. idk I gues i kind of agree....but then again i dont. with what do you agree and with what do you disagree? I agree because yes, we were both immature about it. I was ignorant, naive and you were ruled by your hormones. also, because I thought I loved you.I disagree because I thought I loved you. and my philosophy is to not have sex unless you love that person....which will probably change as i grow. but at the time i thought it was right. that makes sense. mhm. i like to think so. I just used to think it was ok to take advantage of people like that, and now I don't think it is - so i'm sorry for that. for taking advantage of your feelings for me. oh wow. .... thank you.

every time i am the faintest bit happy,
it is miserably ruined by somebody.
fuck this.

My mind is jumbled. Thoughts are everywhere.

What does this mean?