every time i am the faintest bit happy,
it is miserably ruined by somebody.
fuck this.

My mind is jumbled. Thoughts are everywhere.

What does this mean?

believe that love is out there.

I would like to write about my feelings, but I simply to do not posses the time to condense my broad thoughts into this simple blog.
Therefore, you can read the personal narrative I just wrote in 30 minutes. Enjoy.

The moment I walked into the Blanche M. Touhill center, I knew that theatre and I would be together, hand in hand, throughout the rest of my life. I had been preparing for this moment; the moment where I will finally put my light designing experience into use, and put on a show for thousands of Theatre lovers.

It was the 2009 Missouri Thespian State Conference. The All-state show, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, would be performing the first night. We were nervous, the cast, crew, and I. Every first Saturday of the month for five months, and an entire week in July we have been rehearsing: building sets, memorizing lines, painting said sets, blocking scenes, interpreting the unique Shakespearean language. We knew we were ready; ready to put on the best show these Missouri Thespians had ever seen.

We knew that the day before was going to be long. Most of us waking up before five in the morning waited for our coordinator to open up the backstage doors of the Touhill. I saw that ominous white cargo truck drive up. Our set was snuggly stuffed into that white truck. And it would take us a few hours at the most to get it all out.

While I helped most of the crew get our set out, the other light designers and I had to start working on the lights. We only had this day to make sure we had the right colors, intensities, and circuits in order to make this high school production look absolutely professional.

It was fun, I have to admit, though hectic. I sat with Webster student mentors in the booth, helping them type in numbers into the Strand light board, and discussing with them interesting books, and different philosophies.

I sat through three run-throughs that day: one for the actors, the other a tech rehearsal, and the other for the final touches. It was a very long and tedious process. I found myself drifting asleep quite frequently; resting my head against the base of the Strand while I listened to my fellow production colleagues recite Shakespeare in a none less than perfect manner.

Finally, though, after far more than twelve hours at the Touhill, we were free. But not for long, the next day would bring more rehearsals. And that night: opening night. The night we had been waiting for.

The next day felt like a repeat of the previous. More rehearsals, more tweaking occurred throughout the day. Later, we walked into the opening ceremonies, all of us projecting the most positives of auras. Our anticipation grew when we saw the large amount of delegates gathered with us.

While our Thespian troupes departed, we continued back stage. We ate, then the actors got into their flamboyant and professional costumes, while the crew members zipped up their black track jacks. To put it simply, we looked “fly,” or, “legit,” as one crew member stated.

Another rehearsal went by. Tensions rose. Excitement radiated from us like the heat of the sun. We heard the loud buzz of the thousands of high school thespians, and even professionals walk into the Blanche M. Touhill Performing Arts Center. It was time. This was it.

Actors took their places backstage. Running crew stood on the wings, camouflaged. Sound technicians stood in the middle audience at their board. I waited in my position in the back of the theatre, in the light booth. We waited for our cue.

“Sound cue A, lights 1, actors: standby”

I rested my finger on the “go” switch of that coveted Strand board.

“All cues go”

And then, I pressed “go.”

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm in the habit of having what I don't want.
I'm just a hologram, you can see
but don't touch me, baby.
oh, I bet you want me.

It's peculiar how music can fit situations so perfectly.

I'm frustrated. This weekend is turning out to be extremely....boring. There is not other way to describe it. Of course, this had to be the weekend that Claire gets grounded, so I can't spend the night, and then get basically blown off. Kind of.

I'm also tired of this pattern. When I actually try, I feel like we just get farther apart. But when I get that confidence, and that mind set that I don't need him, then he's the one always texting me, and trying to talk to me. It's the whole "hot and cold" deal, which frustrates the living hell out of me. I'm not saying that I want him again. I just want to be friends again.
It's not like he's really replying to my texts now; he probably has his pants off and just can't get to his phone easily.
I know. That was bitchy. I think it's my pms. I think if I wouldn't be pmsing, I probably wouldn't even care this much. But right now, I do. And I hate it. I don't like caring sometimes. I like going with the flow...and I just got on that track.

But summer is coming up soon and I'm very excited for that. It will be a summer filled with theatre, swimming, sun, and new love :) (haha or so I hope).

Not to jinx it, but next weekend better be good. Or at least Saturday. Spend the night, if you wish.
;)

But oh if you don’t want me though
I’ll only want you more
I fall in love with hard to get
You know you’re just like me
A mystery with nothing more to see
A virtual reality

gggrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Love is a carnival goldfish

I feel really sick. Queasy. It's probably because I just ate a lot (I mean a LOT) of king crab, I'm on three different antibiotics (zyrtec, ear infection, and ear drops), and I'm dreading finally writing my paper.

i just found out polo lost.
this ruins my spark.

this day has sucked. my spanish teacher wants a meeting with my mother and me for a "reality check" and I have a horrible ear infection and I have to write this stupid world lit paper.

I found this picture mesmerizing.

I wanted so badly to kiss him. But I felt that might have been crossing the line (well......), and I didn't know how he would react, or what he would say. I didn't want to make it awkward between us (it never is anyways).
Plus we're both animals so it might have led to something....crazy.