an immature playboy

That's what my therapist called him. It's hilarious. She's hilarious. Sometimes she frustrates me, but everyone does at one point in time.

Though it's funny, it's also sad. I don't like thinking of him as a player. But, I mean, look what he's done. Look at what he did with me. Definition of a player, right? Ah, I don't know. Possibly. It's so hard to think of that. I'm still hurting, but I'm trying to focus on other things right now. It's hard.

Apparently they're going to the dance together. That's going to be extremely hard for me. I really don't know what I'm going to do....

there are plenty of fish in the sea.

optimistic thinking

That's what I'm counting on right now. Optimism. What's the point in focusing on all the negativity?

I've been going about this all wrong. I kept asking myself "what did i do to deserve all this shit?" and everyone told me I didn't do anything. Well, now I'm going to listen to them. I've decided that maybe this is fate's way of telling me that I'm just not supposed to be with him (at least for now) and that something better will come along eventually. Maybe I'm just supposed to live my life to the fullest right now, and be selfish like he is.

I mean, yeah even with all this optimism it still hurts. A lot. But right now, I need to focus.

I have an appointment with Judy tomorrow. I haven't decided yet if I'll fill her in on him. I probably should. It was a big event that changed me.
Oh, and I actually had a meal today. So already, improvement.

breathing

i just have to keep breathing. if i start getting mad and really thinking about the situation, just breathing helps. so hopefully i can do this until i finally start getting over him.

so much frustration.
I would write more but i just wanna keep breathing right now.

exhausted

i am so extremely exhausted from everything in life. Especially with dealing with all this shit. I'm tired of it, and tired of the bull.

I feel extremely stupid of being played again. And I just want to live my life without having to think about this...but it will always be in my mind. And I will always suffer.

Thank you, so much.

love you too. dont fret over no valentine.

[he] hasnt been rainbows and unicorns for you in the past.

you need rainbows and unicorns. haha

not rainbows in a gay way

rainbows in a perfect fantasy land way

endorphins

I don't even think I'm that extremely depressed anymore. I think I'm just mad about the whole situation. Just thinking about it, him, just makes me so extremely pissed.
Especially because of all that bullshit he said about needing me to be his best friend still, and how if i fall, he'll catch me and help me back up.
Well, he hasn't been there for me so far, really. And I'm making this huge effort to be his friend and i'm getting absolutely no effort back. One word, monosyllabic answers with an occasional sentence.
It's frustrating to no end.

I just have to keep thinking about my mantra. that helps, sometimes. I just need to release major endorphins so I can feel okay again. It's sad that that might be my only hope at the moment.

According to practically everybody in existence, I'm just supposed to cut him out of my life. I'm supposed to delete him from my phone and just not talk to him or worry about him or think about him. How is that even humanly possible? Oh, that's right. It's not.

Finished fighting

I woke up this morning with the same feeling as last night, which is a sign that I'm right about my decision.

what's the reason of mourning over this loss of him? there's nothing i can do at the time being, or probably anytime soon. so what's my option? get over him. and i should've done this a very long time ago. like, when he did this to me last year. that should have been the time when i said "alright, this guy is not for me, i need to move on. no matter how much i love him."
this is what i will do i suppose. i definitely need to start focusing on school more, because you see, this pattern is the more i focus on him honestly, the worst my grades get. which is bad. well, maybe that's not always the pattern, but i focus on school less. plus, i really want a shit load of money.
I would love to still be friends with him, but not best friends. I don't think i'm ready for that. Ready to hear the dish about his dates and stuff.

So i don't know about Snowball...I think i'm going to go. Because if I go get sushi with him and the sailing gang...I don't know how my feelings will react to that atmosphere. i love them, but I just don't want to test it out so soon. So I'll think about it a little more.
Last night I kept thinking of him and his date. and it honestly frustrated me to no end. and it felt like my stomach was just punched about 50 times in a row. but the more i thought about it, and kept taking the hits, the more apathetic i turned. It's not like the more I think about it, the less he'll be with her. Nothing will change of me dwelling on the fact that he has already moved on (ahem, just like last year).
I'll probably still give his valentine's day gift to him. maybe after school on Tuesday. Because I don't want it, but I don't want to return it and give him his money back. And besides, it's something that will potentially make him happy. So why not? like i said, all i want is for him to be happy.
But i need to start being selfish, too. I need to start thinking of myself, and my needs and where I'm going. I lost sight of my goals and dreams and I need to get back on track.

So what's the point? what's the point in all of this sadness and depression? him? no. I'm tired of feeling this way, and not having an appetite and not sleeping correctly. and I will not do this to myself again. I don't want to cry over him again.
i want to be respected, and treated right. and eventually, that's what I'll get. not anytime soon, but I can always hope.

I know this is going to be a rough transition. I'm going to see them in the hallways being all "cute" and flirty and I'm just going to want to cry....or gag. or punch his face. But he'll be happy. I'm just going to have to deal with it. This is my only option. Yeah, I can fight for him...but we never know what good or bad that will do for this situation. Technically, I am constantly fighting for him. Well, i'm finished fighting. And if he runs back to me, we'll see what happens. Knowing me, I'll probably take him back. I hope sometime soon she gets filled in on what he did to me. She deserves that.

I'm happy I realized this faster than last year...it took me four months to slightly move on. I've had my week of depression....now starts my life of living.
but i'm a little worried that the moment I see him in school on Tuesday...everything I have built up inside me will just go down the tubes.
and i'm not going to lie, that will most likely happen.

i had a dream last night that this really cute guy from all-state and i finally got closer and ah it was magical. haha if only, if only.

my mantra: "he's not right for me...i can do this"